8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
They’re called werewolves.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying