Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
August 8
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Some people were born into their job.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
LA today:
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
is frankincense just very honest incense?