Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”