I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
OMG 🤣🤣
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU