I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”