Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
You Might Also Like
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what