Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“Huge”.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour