“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.