Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?