Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
calling in to work dehydrated
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale