3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Oh my God.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
s
oc
i
a
l
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”