barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭