Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
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“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”