I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.