I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
lol
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too