Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]