Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
You Might Also Like
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
What a year we’ve had this week.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence