Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Fluff me with a fork baby
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.