I finally found a reason to live again.
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up