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Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’m good, thanks.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Ion see the issue