My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
A wise man once said nothing.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”