“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.