I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless