In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.