People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
You Might Also Like
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Who.
Did.
This?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.