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*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
kitchen magnet
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Just a bush.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.