her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I’d … I’d rather not.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?