I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
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I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
This was my dad’s browser history.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.