if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance