7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
You Might Also Like
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
North and South
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks