Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
You Might Also Like
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys