Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.