me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
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Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS