I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
🚲+physics = winner
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.