I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
My dad is at it again
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.