This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
i will not be silenced
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger