I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
New menu item
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.