I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]