In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
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Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
What fresh Hell is this?!?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My beach vacation Google searches
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us