made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened