“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.