me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
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When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
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Hey
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Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Spider-cat: No One Home
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet