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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
🤭😂
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*