My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
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I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me too
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀