Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
2022: I can fix it
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I’m being attacked 😭
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never