that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
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“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Breaking news:
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother