I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
yeah no that鈥檚 fair
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it鈥檚 a “crime”??
my one true gender
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
me: I鈥檝e finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 馃槶馃槶
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I鈥檓 rattled.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they鈥檙e just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’m sorry, I鈥檓 about to lose you because I鈥檓 driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it鈥檚 him again鈥’m gonna be home late