do u think my therapist is ever like man i hope it is a gossip day today and not a trauma day
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Big Sex has us all fooled
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
this is the best interaction on twitter
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.