There was a woman who worked at my job a few years ago who went on vacation to Europe. She’d saved up a bunch of days and was gone for a month.
When she came back she tendered her resignation. No notice. Just bounced.
Listen to me–
Iconic.Her triumph is now office lore.
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home