If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
#DesignFail
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.